Happy Goat Horror

Dark bleetings, everyone! The other day, I was asked what my favourite vampire film is and I realised I didn’t know. A Top 10 came to mind, but I had to think about the order. Then I started thinking about all the fangtastic films of this genre, and thought I’d just go ahead and make you a bloody list of all the ones I can think of that I’ve seen. We’ll start with 25 suggestions and then move into my personal favourites (the Top 10 will be ranked of course!).

This is, by no means, a complete encyclopedia of vampire movies – there are loads I have yet to enjoy so if your favourites are missing, it’s because I haven’t yet had the pleasure.

BEHOLD MY VAMPIRE MOVIE SUGGESTIONS! (Are you hypnotised? I don’t know if I’m doing this right…)

VAMPIRE IN BROOKLYN

A ship docks in Brooklyn with all its crew dead, but someone gets off and the killing continues on land. A Caribbean vampire is searching for a specific woman, half-human half-vampire. Rita is the detective investigating the many killings.

This was a Saturday night special that I discovered with my bestie when we were in our teens. Witness the glory of the ever-fabulous Angela Bassett, and Eddie Murphy playing a vampire who’s mimicking a priest, singing, “eviiiiil is good!”

RABID

A young woman develops a taste for human blood after experimental plastic surgery, and her victims turn into blood-thirsty zombies, leading into a city-wide epidemic.

This one is weird. But as the description tells us, there are also zombies so obviously I was always going to watch it. Not a favourite of mine, but could be a favourite of yours if you like something a little different with the fanged folk.

VAN HELSING

The famed monster hunter is sent to Transylvania to stop Count Dracula, who is using Dr. Frankenstein’s research and a werewolf for nefarious purposes.

Look, I try not to be negative here so I’ll just say this: it’s exactly what it sounds like from the synopsis. I’m just kidding, it’s not THAT bad. I just had a rude awakening the other day because I loved it at a teenager and tried to watch it for the first time since then recently and it… er… I didn’t like it as much as I once did.

DRACULA: DEAD AND LOVING IT

Mel Brooks’ parody of the classic vampire story and its famous film adaptations.

“She will become one herself!”

This is possibly one of the most quotable films of all time. Ironically, considering it’s a spoof, of all the Dracula adaptations out there, this is one of the closest to the book that I’ve seen. Maybe my love for it is pure nostalgia but I still find it absolutely hilarious.

“Dr. Seward, there is a message for you in the lobby.”

THE NIGHT FLIER

A reporter is on the trail of a vampiric murderer who travels by plane.

Based on the short story by Stephen King, this is one I remember being quite creeped out by. It’s been an absolute age since I last watched it though, so you’ll have to be your own judge!

NOSFERATU

Vampire Count Orlok expresses interest in a new residence and real estate agent Hutter’s wife.

Controversial opinion: this is NOT the best vampire movie of all time. I keep seeing it top lists and I’m always perplexed. I think it’s a joy to watch, especially since it is now 100 years old and for that reason, there’s a beautiful classic feel to the film style and art direction. However, it is also the greatest example of plagarism I have ever seen so I’m not putting it in my Top 10 out of petty spite.

STAKE LAND

In a world of vampires, an expert vampire hunter and his young protégé travel toward sanctuary.

I think there might be two or even three in this series now. I remember liking it but honestly that’s it – I’ll have to revisit it soon. Movie night, anyone?

LET ME IN

A bullied young boy befriends a young female vampire who lives in secrecy with her guardian.

The American remake of the Swedish original. It’s pretty close to the source material and manages to evoke empathy and sensitivity without losing its savage edge. But honestly, if you want to watch this, then I’d suggest watching….

LET THE RIGHT ONE IN

…. this one instead. There’s something about the chemistry of the cast in this one that feels more authentic than the relationships in the remake.

DARK SHADOWS

An imprisoned vampire, Barnabas Collins, is set free and returns to his ancestral home, where his dysfunctional descendants are in need of his protection.

I don’t like it.

But I’m not the boss of which vampire films everyone else should like, so give it a go if you enjoy Tim Burton (with his usual regular cast) – it might be right up your dark street.

Ew. I didn’t mean for that to sound…. I’m sorry.

VAMPIRE’S KISS

After an encounter with a neck-biter, a publishing executive thinks that he’s turning into a vampire.

Alright, so maybe this shouldn’t “technically” be here, but with the release of Renfield recently, I was reminded it exists. This late 80s weirdness is Nicolas Cage doing his very best Nicolas Cage-ing. He is honestly at the pinnacle of his trademark batshit crazy Cage-ness in this one. It’s even better than “OH GOD NOT THE BEES!”

“I’m a vampire, stake me!”

QUEEN OF THE DAMNED

In this loose sequel to Interview with the Vampire: The Vampire Chronicles (1994), the vampire Lestat becomes a rock star whose music wakes up the equally beautiful and monstrous queen of all vampires.

This film is basically the encapsulation of the nu-metal world of the early 2000s. They knew exactly what they were doing and who to market this movie to. The soundtrack contains bands and artists like Disturbed, Chester Bennington, Deftones, and Marilyn Manson. Lestat spends at least half the film in leather trousers and/or a fishnet or gauze shirt. The women are the height of mainstream goth elegance with eye make-up that we could only dream of doing at home because we had neither the tools, alternative brands, nor YouTube tutorials to make it a reality when this was made.

You should separate it entirely from the first movie, and probably also the books too, as it takes major liberties and Lestat is a completely different character. However, it’s quite fun.

PRIEST

A priest disobeys church law to track down the vampires who kidnapped his niece.

I think this one is pretty rad, dudes.

BUFFY THE VAMPIRE SLAYER

Flighty teenage girl Buffy Summers learns that she is her generation’s destined battler of vampires.

This came before the show (same creator) and it’s pretty fun. It has the wit and action of the series – in fact, I’m pretty sure the series sort of follows directly on from it (with a different cast though). I could be wrong about that and if I am, feel free to correct me. I haven’t had time to rewatch every movie in preparation for this list and my memory is a little foggy!

DRACULA (1958)

Jonathan Harker rouses the ire of Count Dracula after he accepts a job at the vampire’s castle under false pretenses. Harker’s friend, Dr. Van Helsing, then embarks on a hunt for the predatory villain when he targets Harker’s loved ones.

Christopher Lee is creepy. He’s got those creepy, staring eyes.

UNDERWORLD

Selene, a vampire warrior, is entrenched in a conflict between vampires and werewolves, while falling in love with Michael, a human who is sought by werewolves for unknown reasons.

I really love Kate Beckinsale. Who doesn’t? I haven’t seen every film in this franchise, though I’ll probably do a marathon at some point as I like the ones I have seen. Probably a good watch for you if you enjoy action with your sexy vampires (and werewolves). Everyone in this franchise is sexy for some reason.

FRIGHT NIGHT (1985)

A teenager believes that the newcomer in his neighborhood is a vampire. He turns to an actor in a television horror show for help to deal with the undead.

This is just good old-fashioned vampire fun. I’m an 80s baby so of course I would love this.

FRIGHT NIGHT (REMAKE)

It’s not the worst remake I’ve ever seen, and Colin Farrell was born to play this dude.

RISE

A reporter wakes up in a morgue and finds herself a member of the undead, before vowing revenge against the sect which put her there.

I remember little of this one except the opening, which scarred me for life when I saw it, so I’ll definitely be watching it again soon.

TWILIGHT SAGA

“A teenager falls in love with a vampire she doesn’t know at all even though he implies she smells and then dramatically ghosts her. But moustache dad is cool.”

I just put this here to annoy you hehehehehehe

No shade if you like Twilight – I just couldn’t resist putting it in this list because of the amount of people who whine that “it’s NoT A vaMpirE moViE”. I mean, it has vampires in it. The vampires are the entire plot. Most of the characters are vampires. The anatagonists are vampires. I’m not saying they’re the most fearsome vampires I’ve ever seen but it’s definitely a vampire franchise.

SALEM’S LOT

A novelist and a young horror fan attempt to save a small New England town which has been invaded by vampires.

Based on the novel by Stephen King, this two part mini-series is the reason for a lot of kids in the 80s having nightmares about ghastly floating little vampire boys scratching at our windows. I think today’s “youth” might find it a bit slow, but I think it’s creepy.

THE OMEGA MAN

Biological war has decimated life on Earth. Los Angeles is a windswept ghost town where Robert Neville tools his convertible through sunlit streets foraging for supplies.

One of at least three adaptations of my favourite book, I Am Legend (by Richard Matheson), and it doesn’t get it right. None of them do. At least this doesn’t have weird CGI zombies in it though.

DAYBREAKERS

In the year 2019, a plague has transformed almost every human into vampires. Faced with a dwindling blood supply, the fractured dominant race plots their survival; meanwhile, a researcher works with a covert band of vamps on a way to save humankind.

This is a fun one. The dwindling human race posing a risk to the survival of all vampires is an interesting concept.

THE HUNGER

A love triangle develops between a beautiful yet dangerous vampire (Catherine Deneuve), her cellist companion (David Bowie), and a gerontologist (Susan Sarandon).

This is a few decades old now and has the kind of decadence that I’m sure inspired other posh vampires of this ilk. But there’s a death scene and the sound design can only be described as psychotic, so keep ear muffs handy and consider yourself warned because I’m still hearing that goddamn sound in my sleep.

NIGHT WATCH

A fantasy-thriller set in present-day Moscow where the respective forces that control daytime and nighttime do battle.

You’ll have to watch this one with subtitles but it’s a good time.

And now *drumroll* on to my personal favourites….

10. THE LOST BOYS

After moving to a new town, two brothers discover that the area is a haven for vampires.

I know this isn’t a perfect film (but to me, it really is!). I realise there’s no good – or even bad – explanation for why blood starts shooting out of every faucet in the house in that one scene. But… like… who cares? This is THE 1980s movie for me. I love the entire cast, the script, the locations, hell – even the costume design. Don’t even start me on the soundtrack. I just find the entire thing glorious, and so much fun.

9. JOHN CARPENTER’S VAMPIRES

Recovering from an ambush that killed his entire team, a vengeful vampire slayer must retrieve an ancient Catholic relic that, should it be acquired by vampires, will allow them to walk in sunlight.

Apparently, this isn’t very popular, and I don’t know why. I love the grimey feel of the whole thing, the score, and the art direction. The band of vampire hunters have the most fun-to-watch technique for vampire murder ever, the vampires are the good kind (the horrible, toothy, mean kind), and there’s that scene. You know, THAT scene. The great scene of carnage.

8. AFFLICTED

Two best friends see their trip of a lifetime take a dark turn when one of them is struck by a mysterious affliction. Now, in a foreign land, they race to uncover the source before it consumes him completely.

I’m a sucker for a good found footage movie and this one is awesome. A whole different experience for this genre, and a welcome change.

7. FROM DUSK TILL DAWN

Two criminals and their hostages unknowingly seek temporary refuge in a truck stop populated by vampires, with chaotic results.

This is just an awesome film and I’m so glad that the first time I saw it, I was a teenager, the Internet barely existed, and I had no idea what was coming. It’s impossible not to know in this day and age, but knowing doesn’t ruin it.

6. INTERVIEW WITH THE VAMPIRE

A vampire tells his epic life story: love, betrayal, loneliness, and hunger.

I think this is probably best described as a period vampire drama. It has subtext coming out of its ears and I’m here for every bit of it. A sensual tale of two gorgeous men raising a child together as a family unit was really progressive for the 90s – hell, how often do we even see that now? It’s poetic and savage and absolutely gorgeous to watch.

5. BLADE

A half-vampire, half-mortal man becomes a protector of the mortal race, while slaying evil vampires.

Yeah, you bet your sweet uphill-ice-skating ass that Blade is in my Top 5! I recently watched this and was so worried that it wasn’t going to live up to my nostalgic memory of it being super cool and awesome. But I needn’t have worried, because it still is one of the coolest films I’ve ever seen. Some of the CGI might have aged badly, and yeah okay, some of the plot doesn’t exactly make sense, but that’s not what you watch Blade for. It’s the fight scenes. It’s the vampire equivalent of John Wick. Wesley Snipes is an ass-kicking legend. We have a female character that isn’t just written in as a love interest – there’s no interest between them that way at all. Whistler is cool. The baddies are cool. The soundtrack – despite the fact that I have never liked any dance/house/trance music whatsoever, is cool. It’s just cool, okay?

4. WHAT WE DO IN THE SHADOWS

Viago, Deacon, and Vladislav are vampires who are struggling with the mundane aspects of modern life, like paying rent, keeping up with the chore wheel, trying to get into nightclubs, and overcoming flatmate conflicts.

Easily one of my favourite vampire movies, as well as one of my favourite comedies. I’m not even going to try and sell it to you if you’ve not seen it – just trust me.

“Don’t get fleas…”

3. BRAM STOKER’S DRACULA

The centuries old vampire Count Dracula comes to England to seduce his barrister Jonathan Harker’s fiancée Mina Murray and inflict havoc in the foreign land.

It’s funny that this is the version called ‘Bram Stoker’s’ Dracula when this has nothing to do with Bram Stoker’s vision, beside the character names. Nevertheless, it is a hypnotising piece of art from every prop to the score, the costumes to the sets, the love story to the violence. It’s a truly immersive film.

2. 30 DAYS OF NIGHT

After an Alaskan town is plunged into darkness for a month, it is attacked by a bloodthirsty gang of vampires.

This might not technically be the best on this list but I love it so much and I’ve watched it so many times. The setting and plot set up are a stroke of genius, and the vampires are so goddamn scary. The carnage montage is fantastic, and the sense of isolation is really unsettling. Possibly the best location for a vampire film ever.

1. NEAR DARK

A small-town farmer’s son reluctantly joins a traveling group of vampires after he is bitten by a beautiful drifter.

Ah, my love. My greatest vampire love. The band of vampires is made up of some of the best members of the Aliens cast. They’re one of the meanest vampire gangs, truly. Some great carnage is to be had here, and also some sensitive human stuff. It’s the best of both worlds and I think it avoided most people’s radars because it came out around the same time as The Lost Boys and was massively overshadowed by the spectacle. This is Bill Paxton at his finest. HIS FINEST, I TELL YOU!

What are your favourite vampires films? Which on this list would you rank highly, and which do you think should be circling the drain? Let’s chat!