Happy Goat Horror

Dark bleatings everyone! Some years back, I wrote an article for my favourite website GINGERNUTS OF HORROR about characters from other genres that I think would fit quite snuggly into horror. For some reason, I have never stopped thinking about this topic. I’ve thought about it so much that I’ve felt the need to compile this new list.

Here are my 10 favourite characters from various shows/films/games that could easily star in their own horror spin-off…

10. KEVIN – HOME ALONE

I thought we’d start with an obvious one, and if you don’t think Kevin is obviously a horror villain, let me ask you this…. are you seriously telling me that he didn’t grow up to be Jigsaw from the Saw franchise? At the grand age of eight, he’s already quick-thinking and practical enough to turn his home into a creative house of horrors, complete with misdirection, escape routes, and comical traps. No matter how old I get, I will never ever not laugh hysterically when Marv gets hit in the face with the iron. But let’s be real, those burglars would have died several times over in that house if Home Alone wasn’t a family Christmas film. I know he’s defending himself and his house, but he lurks around to watch the damage as it’s inflicted AND cackles like a witch when his traps deal damage. He’s an evil genius.

9. JARETH – LABYRINTH

This one is obvious to me too. He’s the Goblin King. He has a whole world of royal subjects that quake in their little puppet boots at the mere mention of him, he’s pretty vindictive and spiteful at times, and there’s also the small matter of his penchant for kidnapping tiny babies so that he can indoctrinate them into his cult. Also, the baby is used to lure Sarah – a particularly immature teenage girl – into his clutches because he fancies her. And let’s not forget about his vampire-like seductive energy. David Bowie is so fabulous in this role that he not only pulls off grey leggings, makeup, glitter, AND that hair, but he somehow imbues it all with this sexy masculine energy. If you’re an 80s kid, don’t try to tell me that Jareth wasn’t your first crush, regardless of where you sit on the sexuality spectrum. WE ALL FANCIED HIM. I swear, you drop this dude into a horror franchise and he’d even have characters like Lestat falling in line.

8. JENOVA – FINAL FANTASY 7

Jenova was terrifying to me when I was a kid playing FF7 for the first time, and the older I got, the worse I realised the character was. Do you guys remember all those blood stains all over Shinra HQ when she gets out? She’s scary as hell. So scary, that you don’t even have to pluck her out of this franchise and put her into horror, because for a brief window, she turned FF7 into a horror game.

7. FRIEDA – ORANGE IS THE NEW BLACK

Frieda is my favourite character from this show, and one of my favourites of all time, because she’s so unpredictable. She’s so cute, and the way she talks is so cute, and she’s so nice and friendly, and then the next thing you know she’s fashioning darts out of kitchen pantry supplies and shooting guards in the neck. She’s having a nice cup of tea one minute, and then instructing you on how to chop up a body the next. She knows how to home-make poison, she has every survival skill in existence. She’s so sneaky and clever that even in a prison with round-the-clock guards and surveillance, she builds an entire secret bunker. Frieda is the ultimate badass and she’s scary because we only get glimpses of what she’s capable of, and those glimpses are ten times worse than what everyone else in the show has done. It’s played for laughs, but imagine the tone of the show if it wasn’t. She’d be right at home in one of those “group of young hot people are being terrorised and picked off by an unseen psycho” films.

6. WOODY – TOY STORY

Hear me out. That plan he hatches to scare Sid is diabolical. I know Sid seems like a psycho but he’s actually just a kid that has no idea that his toys are sentient. He isn’t aware that he’s torturing them, and Woody knows that. Granted, Woody has to do something to save his friends from Sid’s wretched ways, but does he have to go full exorcist head spin on the kid? He premeditates intentionally scaring the actual sanity out of him. Prior to this, he tries to off Buzz… several times, just because he’s jealous of him. And not just that, but he’s a master of deception. Andy has no idea what goes on when he’s not looking. Woody’s a natural leader too, all the others look up to him and would follow him anywhere. Toy Story could easily just be Woody’s villain origin story. I’ve always thought it creepy how he just plays dead when Andy comes home because his eyes just stay open for hours, unblinking. Do you know who else doesn’t blink? Hannibal Lecter.

5. COLIN – LOVE ACTUALLY

I acknowledge the many faults of Love Actually, but I still love it and watch it every Christmas. Yes, it’s laced with misogyny disguised as romance, and yes, it’s full of creeps doing creepy things, but Hugh Grant as the Prime Minister is so funny to me that I just ignore all that… you know… valid social criticism. But there’s one creep I could just never get on board with… Colin. I shudder at the mere mention of this freak. If you ask me, he’s the original incel. I don’t believe for a second that he just swanned off to America and was beloved by all those sexy women and had a lovely consensual time. I think the camera just stopped rolling, so it only caught the preamble to what I’m about 99% sure was a big incel murder spree across the states. I think he’s got some deluded Patrick Bateman energy, but without the money and physique – for all we know, those American girls were running away screaming within seconds and we were just seeing the event through his unreliable perspective. Ever find it weird that we see him with one group of girls and then he’s with completely different ones when he returns to the UK? It’s probably because he axed the first group when they were foolish enough to welcome him into their apartment.

4. THE CHESHIRE CAT – ALICE IN WONDERLAND

This dude is a maniacal menace that confuses and misdirects Alice straight into the clutches of the Queen of Hearts, and then does everything he can to make sure her head is put on the chopping block. And why? Because it’s fun for him, that’s why! He’s got magical teleportation powers and can spend all his time doing whatever he wants, and what he wants to do is try to get a child beheaded. And he’s always giggling for some reason. It’s creepy.

I do love him though.

3. EMILY GILMORE – GILMORE GIRLS

Where do all her maids keep going? Have you ever thought about that? And why are they always so nervous or frightened? It’s because they’ve seen stuff, man. Emily Gilmore might be hilarious with her quick wit and snooty expressions, but I’m telling you, she belongs in the shadows with the rest of the ghouls. She is completely self-serving but excellent at keeping up appearances, a master of manipulation, and is ‘Bond Villain’ rich. She’s so successful at getting away with absolutely everything. I’m telling you, if you pulled up those fancy floor boards, I bet you’d find maid bodies (and probably also Richard’s horrible mother) stashed under them.

2. CARTMAN – SOUTH PARK

I included Cartman in my GNOH article and I’m putting him here too, because until recently, he was definitely the most evil non-horror character that should be in the horror genre. I’ll be here all day if I start listing his dastardly actions, so I’ll just remind you of this – Scott Tenerman Must Die.

DENNIS – IT’S ALWAYS SUNNY IN PHILADELPHIA

Is there anyone more suited to the horror genre than Dennis? HE NEEDS HIS TOOLS! Almost every single thing he says is both an instant classic quote, and psychotic. I can’t even count how many terrible things he does, or how many clues/jokes the writers have fed into the show eluding to the possibility that he’s actually a serial killer. The trunk full of tape, rope, and other “tools”, Maureen’s questionable death, those birds’ heads that he twisted off, the double life and the fake names, all those sex tapes… and of course his bedroom perfectly adapted to trap people inside.

I would never want to be caught in a dark alley with him but man, I LOVE watching him!