Happy Goat Horror

Dark bleatings, my beautiful tribe. Today, I thought it might be fun to show you some not so beautiful things, in the form of my very favourite movie monsters! For the purpose of this list, I am not including anything that fits neatly into a “type”, such as vampires, werewolves, zombies, etc. Before we dive into the list proper, I want to shout out three monsters that didn’t quite make the cut, but definitely deserve to be recognised as honourable mentions.

The merman from The Cabin in the Woods, simply because it is so hilariously crap but also nasty looking after all that suspense waiting to find out if we’ll see one.

The God-like creature from The Ritual. Such awe-inspiring horror.

The graboids from Tremors. Such fun.

And nowwww, it’s tiiiiiiiime!

10. The predator from Predator

I almost didn’t put this fella in the list because he’s so very human-like in structure, but he’s just so awesome that I had to. Calculating, clever, trap-setting, and relentless, I reckon my survival chances if I encountered him are 0. And please, do not @ me with any “well akshualllyy that’s an action movie”, because it’s ACTUALLY a slasher film set in the jungle, and you will never change my mind about that.

9. Whatever the f*** that is from Cloverfield

I’m not a big fan of monsters this big, typically, but the utter carnage this thing brings is deserving of a spot. I maybe like this one more than I usually would because of the little fledglings that come off it, to bring their own, horribly painful addition to the chaos. It reminds me of Sin from FFX.

8. Those creepy fakes from Vivarium

If there’s one thing in horror that genuinely does make me shudder, it’s things that look like people but they’re definitely not. That uncanny valley thing, that off quality these guys have that indicate they’re not right, but you can’t put your finger on exactly what’s tipping you off….eeeesh.

7. The wheelers from Return to Oz

These dudes might be the very first movie monsters I was fascinated by. They’re quintessential 1980’s characters because (I think) they’re a parallel to a scary biker gang (the violent criminal type, not the tough guys with hearts of gold type). In hindsight, they’re probably also a mainstream, reactive version of the punk movement, but regardless, their wildness, unpredictability, and hyena-like coordination scared me as a kid and I still think of them fondly.

6. The gremlins from Gremlins

The creature design and the puppeteering and the general artistry, not to mention the hilarious, mean-spirited personalities of these little shits make them deserving of a place in everyone’s favourite monster lists, in my humble opinion. I don’t know quite specifically whose genius they are, who originally conceived of them, but I will forever be obsessed.

5. The spiders from The Mist

I am very aware that a lot of the effects haven’t aged well, especially where CGI was used, but that doesn’t take away the terror of this movie for me because the actors did such a great job convincing me of it. A limited budget and less than awesome effects is what happens when a director like Frank Darabont chooses integrity over a big conditional budget (he was offered a much larger budget if he’d change the ending, and he refused). Anyway, I’m arachnophobic and these horrible things look hideous, are enormous, shoot acidic, flesh-melting webs, have feet so stabby they could take your spleen out, and they’ll eat you alive with their razor teeth.

4. The thing from The Thing

I haven’t posted a picture of the monster here because if you haven’t seen the original movie, still pictures won’t convince you to watch it based on the creature design. You really have to see the things moving to get the benefit of how uncomfortably horrible they are. It can look like and imitate anything or anyone, which makes it one of the most dangerous and unsettling monsters on this list.

3. Pennywise from IT (both versions)

Another monster that can take the form of literally anything it wants, and it gets into your mind to figure out what you fear before it decides what shape to take to scare you with. Neither the original mini-series or the more recent movies are perfect, you can pick different holes in both of them, but the consistent thing I do love is how Tim Curry and Bill Skarsgard embodied the character.

2. The critters from Critters

I can’t even tell you how much I love these toothy little dudes. More monsters from my childhood, and I’ve always been enamoured with them. I love the design! They look like fluffy little balls, almost cute, but then you see the multiple rows of sharp teeth and they also shoot poison thorns out of their fur that will incapacitate you. They’re pretty vicious, and very VERY eaty. They get bonus points for also having cat-like curiosity, their own language, and they’re sassy and hilarious too.

And in 1st Place…

Obviously, it’s the xenomorph from Alien

You probably saw this coming because really, could it have been anything else? The perfect killing machine, the sleek design, the way it blends into the background, the acid blood, the reproduction system and the horrible part you’ll play in it if one of these meanies finds you. I just love them!

Tell me what you think I’ve neglected!

Bleeeeat!