Happy Goat Horror

Dark bleatings, my beloved tribe! I don’t know why I’ve decided to reveal the inner workings of my developing mind like this, but I thought it might be fun to share the characters who developed my romantic tastes during my childhood/teenage years. After compiling this list, I do now recognise the soul-destroying similarities between some of these characters, and some of my exes. Suddenly, my disastrous taste in men from my earlier years makes a lot more sense. Ah, hindsight.

Anyway, before we get into the 10 horror characters that I crushed hard on during my adolescence, let me hit you with some honourable mentions…

I can’t include these guys in my list because they’re not from horror. I mean, for God’s sake, Hwoarang isn’t even a real person. He’s a Tekken character, and I fancied him from Tekken 3 – not even from one of the newer games where the graphics are good. Rufio, looking back, explains my teen obsession with absolutely anyone with a mohawk. I was 5 when Hook came out and Rufio was the coolest, most badass boy I’d ever seen.

Now let’s get into the main event!

10. Casper from Casper

I was 9 when Casper came out and when he turned into a real boy for 5 minutes, I do believe that was my first ever crush on a boy. Devon Sawa sort of remained a continuous crush into my teens too, especially in Idle Hands. He will forever be adorable.

9. Brad from Critters

When I was little and Critters was one of the few horror films I was allowed to watch, Brad was the be all and end all. He was so brave and quick-thinking, and sassy. He was probably also a bad influence, in some ways, because I always really admired how easily he was able to sneak out of his window and climb down the side of the house. And he had a draw of stuff he wasn’t allowed, explosive stuff. What a rebel!

8. Satanica from From Dusk Till Dawn

I’m sorry, but regardless of sexual orientation, if you weren’t instantly in love with Satanica, it could surely only be because you don’t have eyes? I don’t think they could have cast this part more perfectly, considering the point of Satanica is to mesmerise everyone in the bar so they don’t notice they’re being sealed inside – I forgot I was even watching a film when I first saw her. And I’ve always wanted that fabulous bikini. I don’t have anywhere to wear such a thing but I want it anyway.

7. Spike from Buffy the Vampire Slayer

Who didn’t love Spike, really? The punk bad boy alternative to Angel, modelled on Billy Idol (who I saw a few years back and somehow he still looks just as great, prompting my belief that he’s actually a vampire himself). He was evil but quick-witted, and for reasons I can’t explain, it seems that no matter how evil you are, you get a pass if you’re both hot and funny.

6. Billy from Scream

I was 10 when Scream came out and Billy was just so dreamy to me. He had that hair that was super popular in the 90s – that hair that every boy had and everyone liked, that we now pretend we didn’t. I don’t understand fashion and how deeply it permeates my opinions, I really don’t. I met Skeet Ulrich and Matthew Lillard a few years ago, and by then, I was way more excited about Lillard (because I sincerely believe he’s one of the greatest, most underrated horror actors of our day). I was not expecting to take one look at Skeet, over 25 years after my initial crush on him, and almost die out of sheer ‘why and how is he SO HOT?!’ I don’t tend to have celebrity crushes anymore, but that one came flying back with a vengeance. Don’t tell my husband.

5. Jareth from Labyrinth

Cheating a bit, I know, as Labyrinth is classed as fantasy, but I’ve always regarded it as pretty dark. I recently talked with the wonderful George Daniel Lea on THIS PODCAST about the fascination with Jareth. He was a man in leggings, with hair that would make Tina Turner jealous, and a full face of glittering make-up, and yet his masculine energy was so palpable that, to this day, I still can’t regard him as anything but totally, 100% glamorous and sexy. He was a walking contradiction in that he was simultaneously pretty and delicate, but somehow also more masculine and powerful than an action hero. The only other person in the entire world that I can think of that exuded this particular, unique type of sex appeal is Prince.

4. Kate Beckinsale in general (but most likely from Van Helsing/Underworld).

No one has ever looked more fabulous in a corset.

Except, perhaps, Frankenfurter.

Kate Beckinsale kicking ass in those outfits made me fully realise that perhaps I wasn’t only into men. Through my teen years, I referred to her as My Future Wife. She was just so beautiful and well-spoken, and so good at killing supernatural villains.

3. Faith from Buffy the Vampire Slayer

I still think that Eliza Dushku is one of the most beautiful people on the entire planet. Outside of being outrageously good-looking, I think I liked Faith’s sense of freedom and her leather jackets. I probably liked her for the same reasons I liked Spike, now that I think about it. She was sort of the badass alternative to Buffy, who was a badass herself, don’t get me wrong, but a sunnier version. Faith seemed more complex and dark, and when I was a teenager I was really into blasting my Marilyn Manson CDs and lamenting about how none of those mainstream normal people understood me. God, how I cringe at the memory of my teenage self. But yeah, Faith being on a pedestal makes sense to me when I look back on how determined I was to consider myself an outsider when I was 15.

2. Morticia from The Addams Family

She’s an absolute icon and possibly the most fabulous female character to ever grace the screen. Most of what I remember from Anjelica Huston’s run as the character is that she stole every scene she was in. She’s hilarious, classy, and sensitive. I also think that she and Gomez are the epitome of “marriage goals”, as the kids say these days. Total respect and adoration for each other, and unflinchingly loyal and supportive. When I was little, I thought I wanted a husband like Gomez, but after Kate Beckinsale opened my eyes, I realised that actually, I wanted a wife like Morticia.

Annnnnnnddddd my number 1 childhood crush was……

ALMOST EVERYONE FROM THE LOST BOYS

You know, it’s only occurred to me now that I’ve compiled this list that I have a type – rebellious, highly problematic men, and dark-haired, preferably gothic women. And in general, vampires apparently. Huh. I wonder what that says about me. Probably best not to think too hard about it.

I watched The Lost Boys dozens of times as a kid, and my favourite crush sort of shifted with age. Initially, I liked Marko, then for quite a long while, it was all about David, then I was into Paul, then Michael, and then finally, my main guy was Dwayne. If I had to pick, it’s still Dwayne. He’s so beautiful, and reminds me of Nuno from Extreme, who is one of the most gorgeous people I’ve ever seen in real life.

As a final thought, I’d just like to say this… my real-life husband is a wonderful person, in case you were worried. Lol. Reflecting on my male crushes and the fact that most of them are murderous, duplicitous, literal monsters, I see how one might draw conclusions.

I’d love to know who your childhood crushes were, especially if they’re demonic creatures of the night, for no other reason than I’d like the reassurance that I wasn’t a demented child.