Happy Goat Horror

Look, I’m not here to babysit you through another “good horror movie that was actually terrible” situation. I’m here because I can’t take another moment of these horror filmmakers pulling the ol’ bait-and-switch on us like they think we’re all too stupid to notice. You’ve seen it too, I’m sure. You go into a movie with high hopes because the trailer was all sorts of promise, but surprise, you just spent two hours watching a steaming pile of social commentary dressed up as a horror flick. Who doesn’t love that, right?

The Chucky Movie That Wasn’t

Let’s kick it off with Child’s Play (2019). The whole thing was marketed like it was going to be a new generation of horror, a new Chucky—cool, creepy, modern-day technology gone wrong. And then what do we get? Some weird AI toy that’s glitching and being “too friendly.” That’s your Chucky, huh? Where’s the real Chucky? The one that made us terrified of our childhood toys? The one who made you look at your Barbie collection and wonder if it was time to burn them all? Instead, we get this low-effort rehash that’s all flash and no substance. If you wanted a creepy doll, you could’ve just re-watched Annabelle, and at least you’d get some real horror. But no, we got this hot mess that was as scary as a teddy bear. Nice try, Hollywood.

Black Christmas 2019

You thought the 2019 Black Christmas was going to be a slasher redux, right? I know, we all did. All the right pieces were there: holiday horror, creepy killer, dark setting. But guess what? Instead of focusing on any of those things, we got an anti-woke lecture that felt more out of place than that time your grandma tried to twerk at Thanksgiving. This was a movie that didn’t even want to be a horror movie. It wanted to push an agenda so hard, you could practically see the director’s fist in the camera lens. Sorry, but I didn’t come to watch a feminist lecture disguised as a slasher. I came for an actual horror flick. When I go to a Black Christmas movie, I want blood and chaos, not a lecture on “misogyny in the Greek system.” That’s called a documentary, not a slasher.

Old: Just Stop

Now, let’s talk about M. Night Shyamalan’s Old. This one made headlines because, well, M. Night, and the trailer was a doozy. The premise seemed amazing: a family trapped on a beach where they age rapidly. I mean, yeah, that’s some legit horror material! What do we get instead? A bizarre, poorly-paced mess of a movie where no one seems to react to the whole “aging to death” thing as much as they should. We’re supposed to be terrified of time, right? But the characters just… don’t seem to give a damn. In fact, you’ll probably be too busy laughing at the script to care about the existential dread they’re trying to peddle. Oh, and the twist? As if it wasn’t enough of a joke, the ending hit like a wet noodle. Bravo, M. Night, you did it again. You baited us into thinking this was a great idea and served up some cold, bland, “the ocean is evil” nonsense. Thanks for that.

The Snowtown Murders: Too Much, Too Real

Here’s a more serious one. The Snowtown Murders. Don’t get me wrong, I absolutely respect the fact that it’s based on true events, but there’s something about the way the movie is marketed that feels a little too… well, misleading. If you’re thinking this is going to be a standard crime thriller or some typical Aussie horror, let me stop you right there. This film will crush your soul. It’s bleak, it’s disturbing, and by the end, you’re wondering if you should just go get a drink with your therapist. It’s a dark, psychological plunge that leaves you uncomfortable in the best (or worst?) way possible. But damn, it’s not what I signed up for when I saw the trailer. This is the bait-and-switch in the worst possible way. It’s not horror in the sense you’d expect, but if you’re into true crime and misery, I guess you’ll be right at home.

Conclusion: Are We Done Yet?

Here’s the thing—horror films are supposed to be an escape. Sure, you might be trying to send a message, but don’t sell me a slasher and then give me a lecture on the social fabric of our time. Don’t promise me Chucky and deliver a half-assed robot doll. Don’t bait me with Old’s high concept and then make me wonder if I’m watching a low-budget PSA about sunscreen. It’s insulting. It’s lazy. And worst of all, it’s boring. At the end of the day, if you’re going to promise something that’s supposed to be scary, you better deliver. Otherwise, I’m going to call it what it is: a bait-and-switch that didn’t just waste my time but also robbed me of my goddamn will to live. And I’m not here for that. I’m here for horror. The real kind. Not the one where I have to figure out if I’m watching a politically charged drama with a side of spooky.

So yeah, Hollywood. Maybe take a note: if you want to make a statement, make it through storytelling, not a crummy bait-and-switch that leaves the audience frustrated and angry. I’m tired of pretending we’re all too dumb to notice. And I’m really tired of paying to watch it.

That’s enough out of me. I’ve had my say—now get the hell off my lawn!